As Donald Trump’s policies and mannerisms wax increasingly sinister, those conspiracy theorists in pointy hats aren’t looking so crazy after all. The Swamp Fox is first to confirm that underneath Donald Trump’s hair lies the face of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Voters left a recent rally in fear and confusion, frantically making the sign of the cross as a strange cloud morphed into a toupee-wearing skull with a dollar sign emerging from its mouth.
“The Dark Lord rises again, my child,” said Izelore Switch, professor of Divination at the College. “He rises on the back of a terrible creature strange to wizard and man. A creature with leathery skin and hair like the sun, fueled by ignorance and the almighty dollar.”
The rumor started after a couple of nervous staffers swore they saw the back of The Donald’s hair start to move.
“Like it was coming alive, or something was in there,” said Gladys Pierson, one of seven comb-over artists in the Trump entourage.
Along the campaign trail roadside workers on pee breaks have found a string of illegal immigrants completely drained of blood. Muggle and wizard experts agree this must be sustaining both Trump and his parasite-who-must-not-be-named.
While his ties to the snake-faced sorcerer explain Trump’s aversion to foreigners and hypnotic hold over the electorate, the revelation raises more questions than it answers.
Who among us has the courage to seek out and destroy the horcruxes of Voldetrump, or Trumpdemort. Or should we say Vol-Trump-mort? Doesn’t really roll off the tongue.
Who can foresee the horrors the Dark Lord will unleash once he is Commander in Chief, Leader of the Free World? Not Professor Switch – she dropped into a trance after Marco Rubio dropped out. She is believed to be petitioning the elders of the nether realm on our behalf.
Voters now look to the last bastions of muggle power – Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders – to destroy the most enduring horcrux of all: Trump’s ego.
All articles by the Swamp Fox are written entirely in jest and do not reflect the true and nuanced nature of these issues.