“We just want you to love us again,” says Charleston PD

“We just want you to love us again,” says Charleston PD

There are changes coming to the city of Charleston. In the wake of a long year of police brutality and a tough year for their reputation as a whole, the Charleston Police Department is ready to make some changes to the way it treat its constituents. The shooting of Walter Scott, which occurred last April, and the death of Joyce Curnell, which took place in her jail cell because she was not given proper medical treatment, have caused a nationwide movement to end police brutality. The Charleston Police Department has heard the people and now it has acted.

The Charleston Police Chief was quoted as saying, “We didn’t have the best year as a department, and we know that. But we have made some radical changes to our policies that will change our reputation for the better and we will soon be revered as heroes of the city.”

(Photo by Wesley Vance)

(Photo by Wesley Vance)

The local police department has made countless changes and they are extremely proud to announce that all guns are required to have Hawaiian leis hanging off of them to remind targeted citizens that everything will turn out just fine. The police chief mentioned, “We tried out many different gun decorations with varying results, but the lei gun got by far the most overwhelmingly positive response.” In reality, having a lei on the gun could quite possibly be the best thing an officer could have, considering they are still pointing a gun at the civilian.

This next change has an interesting philosophy behind it. The officers are now being forced to wear hats that have giant scary shark faces on them when they pull over a person of color for a minor offense, which does not happen infrequently. They claim that the shark face will scare the driver into looking at the officer instead of getting distracted and attempting to flee the scene. What the department may not have considered is that it’ll scare the person even more and they’ll try to run away, ultimately resulting in the use of the Hawaiian lei gun.

Additionally, for more minor offenses, police are trying to make the citizens of Charleston feel better about their wrongdoings.

On parking tickets, officers are now writing  inspirational messages to tell the citizen how close they were to not getting the ticket. For example: “We waited an extra 3.7 seconds after your meter expired, and since your license plate was the only part of your car outside of the designated parking space, we decided to write you this note to explain that you were close to avoiding your ticket. However, here is your ticket for $75. – Charleston PD.” The Charleston Police Department is proud to enforce parking; they want to give as many tourists as possible a chance to park on King Street. The tourists just do not know that their parking spot could very likely turn into a fine if they are a little slow on the way back to their car.

One of the newest practices which will surely throw college students for a loop is the stronger enforcement of the jaywalking law. In the coming days, cops will be putting up massive barricades on sidewalks to prevent jaywalking. Additionally, they will be installing large metal gates at intersections which will be locked until the walk sign turns on. While the police department has brushed off most allegations of having racially-driven practices, they are adamant that this new policy is completely colorblind: people of all colors jaywalk so people of all colors will be getting a ticket. Additionally, they say these changes to the city are part of an effort to make Charleston less dangerous, but really they just find it entertaining to enforce a law that is so insignificant. Sidenote: do not try to get past this one because cops will be waiting for you on the other side of the barricade if you try to jump over.

Possibly the most interesting policy the Charleston Police Department is implementing is the ‘Buddy Policy.’ The police department has hired normal civilians to follow every officer around who is on duty. This is a precaution to have more people witness whatever happens at the scene of a crime. They say this will minimize the amount of inconsistent information that is reported after a confrontation takes place. What the police department has neglected to take into account is that they are the ones who have hired these civilians, so there may be a slight bias. But until that fact is mentioned to the police department, it will be the newest of many policies to help keep officers accountable for their actions.

We will have to wait and see how all these new policies improve relations between the police department and civilians.

“As residents of Charleston, we all know about the negative press that our police department has received over the last year or so. But we could not be more proud of them for the work they have done for our city and their valiant effort to make all citizens feel safe with these new policies they will be implementing,” one civilian said.

All works by the Swamp Fox are written purely as nonfiction, with only the most noble intentions in mind. (READ: This is satire.)

*This article first appeared in the April 2016 issue of the Yard. 

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Authored by: Dustin Hacker

Dustin Hacker is an Opinion and Satire writer for CisternYard News. He is a freshman at the College and can frequently be found riding his skateboard around Charleston, particularly at the Battery.

There is 1 comment for this article
  1. Courtney Eker at 5:10 pm

    Yes! All articles posted in the Satire section under the name “The Swamp Fox” are satire articles and are meant to be taken in jest.

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