The future of America: Hair today, gone tomorrow

The future of America: Hair today, gone tomorrow

Photos courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons 

“November 8, 2066: The 50-year anniversary of the scariest day in American politics.” –The New York Times

On Nov. 8, 2016, the Pantsuit Aficionada will square off with the Microwaved Circus Peanut. These two icons of American politics are fighting for the most powerful position in the most powerful country in the world.

This whole ordeal began when the Microwaved Circus Peanut descended down Stair Force One during his campaign launch announcement in June 2015. Everyone knew for years that the Pantsuit Aficionada was going to run, but few suspected the Microwaved Circus Peanut would be in the position he is in today.hill

Pantsuit and Peanut are now enemies, but there was not always animosity between them. Peanut, who has been married multiple times, actually invited Pantsuit and her husband to his most recent wedding… when he, himself descended from the “Drumpf” family line, got married to another immigrant. Whom does this say more about? Let’s just say that today, the jury is still out on who is more embarrassed.

Pantsuit Aficionada may not actually be a pantsuit aficionada, she just claims to be one in her Twitter bio. Her bio also mentions that she is a hair icon. Hair icon? I do not know if we should be going that far, Pantsuit. Also, why would you choose the most insignificant social media platform to tell us these weird “facts”. It seems like you’re advertising *significant* information about yourself that people don’t care about, in a space that few people read.

The most important news regarding these two politicians is the way in which Peanut has altered American English over the last 15 months. He has single-handedly ruined the word “huge,” replacing it instead with “YUGE.” Not only are people less inclined to say the word huge these days, but watch out; if he becomes president, the new correct pronunciation will be strictly enforced.

Golf pros Sergio Garcia and Martin Kaymer collaborated with TaylorMade and Golfsmith to raise money for wounded soldiers by hitting golf balls down 54th Street. Donald Trump was present to kick off the event. CREDIT: Daniella Zalcman for The Wall Street Journal SLUG: NYGOLF

Golf pros Sergio Garcia and Martin Kaymer collaborated with TaylorMade and Golfsmith to raise money for wounded soldiers by hitting golf balls down 54th Street. Donald Trump was present to kick off the event.
CREDIT: Daniella Zalcman for The Wall Street Journal
SLUG: NYGOLF

Peanut has taken only the high road on his quest for the White House, exemplified through his persistent name-calling. He would never call Pantsuit by her real name, or even call her Pantsuit for that matter. He can only bring himself to call her one name: “Crooked Hillary.” Peanut loves the third grader approach and has employed it to great effect throughout his campaign.

Peanut once said, and this is a direct quote, “I know words, I have the best words.” Let us all just appreciate that the biggest word in this sentence about Peanut’s words is the word, “words.” Five letters is very impressive, Peanut.

And finally, since we talked about Pantsuit’s hair and how she claims to be a hair icon, which she is not, we cannot overlook Peanut’s hair.

Well actually, what is that thing on his head? He claims it is hair… but hair usually moves. It has been a mystery to the American public for a long time, but in just the last few days Peanut’s personal consultant at CHEETOS® spoke up about the mystery.

“My dear friend Peanut is self-conscious about his scaly, pale scalp so he affixed a chinchilla fur toupee to his head. But he knew that the chinchilla fur color would look too unnatural, so he came to us at CHEETOS® and requested that we infuse his toupee with Cheeto dust,” Chester from CHEETOS® said.

Peanut and Pantsuit have different visions for our country, but we know one thing to be certain: after Nov. 8, 2016, the next Picasso will be painting a portrait of the 45th president of the United States and the most prominent part of the painting will certainly be the hair.

**Swamp Fox articles are satirical in content**

*This article first appeared in the October 2016 issue of The Yard.

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Authored by: Dustin Hacker

Dustin Hacker is an Opinion and Satire writer for CisternYard News. He is a freshman at the College and can frequently be found riding his skateboard around Charleston, particularly at the Battery.

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