A terrible raucous broke out in the Addlestone library Monday evening as the portraits of Darlene and Allen Saddlebrook, situated opposite each other in the center atrium, began a heated dispute that almost ended in tragedy. The argument, witnesses claim, was about Netflix.
“I’m a big Gilmore Girls fan,” Darlene’s depiction shouted with a motionless expression on her acrylic face, “I’m all for a little political intrigue, but no one is putting down my love for a heartfelt comedy series. The old one over there has made it abundantly clear that my tastes are juvenile.”
“If I want to watch all seven seasons of The West Wing on repeat I will damn well do so,” Allen’s portrayal retorted, his typical cheerful grin remaining still, “It’s not my fault that some people can’t appreciate real television.”
By the time of the interview, the argument had been going on for about three hours. With final exams approaching, this domestic debacle couldn’t have come at a worse time. Students in the library expressed their frustration with the noise caused by the bickering couple.
“I’ve got a chem test in the morning and those two won’t shut up,” said senior biology major Kyrie Hitchens, “How am I supposed to study with Tony and Carmela Soprano going at it all day?”
The reaction among the students was varied. Some sat with their heads tucked into their backpacks, incessantly reciting verses from whatever religious text they worshipped, while others banged their heads against the nearest plane of glass until the shouts from the Saddlebrooks’ portraits were met with a resounding orchestra of loud thumps. Most just got up and left. When asked precisely how the paintings went about watching television in their fixed positions, the answer was quite shocking.
“We snoop on student’s laptops in the library,” Darlene’s painting admitted, not moving, “I once watched the entire third season of Lost, six episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and half a documentary about a traveling eggplant salesman in one sitting. It was quite a day.”
“Ha! Grey’s Anatomy?” contested Allen’s portrait from across the foyer. “If I wanted horrendous, overdramatized acting and a mushy, unrealistic story line I’d just rewatch our wedding video! Give me some Dexter any day!”
“Well!” shouted Darlene’s illustration, nearly becoming unhinged from the wall. “If I wanted to see the overrated life of a dysfunctional psychopath, I’d just read your obituary!”
“You wicked vagabond woman!” Allen’s acrylic likeness screamed.
“You harlot-scavenging refuse pile!” evoked Darlene’s artistic visage.
The argument abruptly transformed into a barrage of insults from both parties, including an underhanded comment from Allen on his wife’s “sagging” features and a sly return from Darlene’s image on the dormant state of her husband’s “drooping” manhood. The following verbal joust involved six comments on how “g—–m perfect” the universe would have been if the other hadn’t been born and 18 references to “how f–king right” their mothers had been about insisting that they not get married. Allen’s canvas concluded with a subtle misogynistic expletive, upon which Darlene procured a Glock 49 from behind the tapestry.
In the ensuing chaos of students scattering in all directions, dashing unopened books and laptops still playing Game of Thrones across a table, campus police showed up to calm and eventually disarm the deranged painting. Police took Darlene Saddlebrook’s portrait into custody where she is currently adorning the wall of a Charleston county jail cell on a $200,000 bond for disturbance of the piece.
All words published by His Excellency, the Swamp Fox, are meant to be taken in jest.