How to Not Get Robbed in Downtown Charleston

As a fellow student at the College and avid reader of the Cougar Alert emails sent out from time to time, I noticed that walking the sidewalks in the evenings can get downright sketchy. Being bipedal and without a car can be rough sometimes. So from the bottom of my paranoia-filled heart, I have compiled my top five rules for not getting robbed in Downtown Charleston.

  1. Do not carry pepper spray.

You know who you are: the legging-clad and Southern Tide-sporting students that tote a time-worn and probably expired can of mace dangling from your keys. This stuff is like sugar water for mosquitoes—only the flighty and the paranoid carry it around; the clanging of the can on your keys is like a proverbial cow-bell for potential victims.

  1. Cop a squat and pee on a tree.

Now, if you really want to look tough…like, Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse tough…there is nary a better move than to hike up your cut-off jeans and let nature do its thing. Mark your territory. While you are at it, ladies, dangle your purse out in front of you; not only does it show those mean-muggers that you are without fear, it works the quads too.

No one's messing with you tonight. You are the night. (Photo courtesy of Jeremy Lim via Flickr Creative Commons)

Yeah that’s right, you ARE the night. (Photo courtesy of Jeremy Lim via Flickr Creative Commons)

  1. Always walk in the dark. By yourself.

Batman did it. Need I say more? Think of all the potential criminals lurking around in the dark, waiting for the next Michael Kors fob to snatch…when all of sudden: Lo! YOU’RE THERE. With the fob, lurking in the dark, too. Defense Mechanism Level: 100. Beat’em at their own game.

  1. If someone approaches you with a knife…always fight.

Take it from someone who has been in three self-defense classes: I know what I am talking about. Always fight. They won’t expect it: swing that ponytail (or man-bun) around, take out your earrings (or septum piercings) and get. In. Formation. Be so Sasha Fierce that they have no choice but to Say Your Name and leave.

  1. Never, ever forget your Invisibility Cloak.

I have found that the best ones come from ancient oak chests found underneath the thousands of pale-violet satin robes in Dumbledore’s closet. But if you do not have access to this type of resource, have no fear: Wal-Mart carries them too…IN FOUR DIFFERENT SHADES. *Judd Nelson Fist Bump*

So, there you have it. You are basically invincible…untouchable…unassailable with my words of wisdom. Go forth, my children…be naïve.

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