Valentine’s vengeance: Local man loses control

On Feb. 14, business went awry at the downtown Walgreens. Eddie Johnson, an employee of 11 months, sabotaged the customers who walked through the door out of personal spite. He was dumped by his girlfriend three days before Valentine’s Day.

Johnson, who had been dating his girlfriend for eight months, was devastated when he was dumped and decided to pick up a bunch of extra shifts to take his mind off of his emotions and make some extra money (which he wouldn’t have to spend on any girl). He didn’t know what day it was until he heard his coworker wish a couple a Happy Valentine’s Day as they checked out with their cheap bottle of wine.

Johnson went into full sabotage mode.

First, he put a sign on the front door that said “No lovebirds allowed in the store;” it did little to deter such customers. Then, he put excessively high price tags on the condoms and lube in an attempt to kill the vibe. He also took a hairdryer to the Valentine’s Day chocolate so that any man who bought their chocolates last minute would give their special someone a gooey surprise.

When Johnson was asked whether he got the reactions he wanted from the customers, Johnson replied “Yeah, the hair dried chocolates were a classic. A $15 box of heart-shaped chocolates just became a $15 box of shapeless chocolates. They still taste the same, but whatever. I just wish I could’ve seen the girl’s reaction when she opened the heart-shaped box and the chocolates were far from heart-shaped.”

Johnson’s sabotage reached a pinnacle when he went from altering products on the shelves to altering the blood pressure of customers. He positioned himself in the beer fridge and when customers opened the door to grab their six pack, Johnson would let out an unsuspected battle cry, “OORAH!” to scare the customers.

An unsuspecting customer recounted his terrifying experience, explaining “I walked in to Walgreens and scooted to the back for the beer. I opened the fridge, scanned the selection and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor and it was raining cereal boxes. I nearly had a heart attack!”

Johnson’sw perspective on the incident was quite different. “I wish I had pulled my phone out quickly enough to film it because that definitely would’ve gone viral!”

Various other hapless citizens fell victim to Johnson’s shenanigans. No one else hit the deck but a few did scurry out of the store in fear.

*This article first appeared in the February 2017 issue of The Yard and is satirical in content.

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Dustin Hacker is an Opinion and Satire writer for CisternYard News. He is a freshman at the College and can frequently be found riding his skateboard around Charleston, particularly at the Battery.

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