Believe in the Facebook of the future

A Facebook notification pops up, “A mutual friend of a friend is interested in an event hosted by a page you once viewed.”

Johnny Basic, a senior at the College, excitedly wakes up to the ding and checks his notifications. “I’m definitely going to that,” he says, “I’m going to Facebook live the whole thing.”

(Photo courtesy of Prachatai on Flickr Creative Commons)

Across the country, people are elated with the updates Facebook is making in order to curate every aspect of life. Commenting on this, Johnny Basic said, “I just love feeling like I’m being watched every moment!”

The Algorithms

Facebook’s algorithms utilize a combination of video and audio surveillance along with location, online and personal activity monitoring. The website pays special attention to those whom you and your friends Facebook stalk. “This is the reason Facebook suggests for you to like the record store where that cute guy you have been crushing on for two and a half months but have never actually met works,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a recent statement. He continued, “We can use cameras and microphones on any device, even when our app is not open. This way we constantly keep up to date with our users’ lives.”

One random mom posted on her timeline, “I swear I was just talking about this new hammock with Rayleene the other day and all of a sudden I see an advertisement for it on the side of my Facebook feed!”

When Basic read this post, he exclaimed, “Sometimes I just think things and then they pop up as a suggested advertisement!”

The Facebook of the future

This is no coincidence. The website is striving to provide a seamless experience between what you are thinking and what you see on your screen. “Just go into your security settings and give Facebook access to everything,” Zuckerberg urged. “This way our file on each of you can be as complete as possible!”

In the near future, those harrowing questions like “Where should we go to eat?” or “What should we do today?” will no longer bother Facebook users. This is because the website is working on technology that will allow the events calendar to tap directly into brain waves in order to direct users to the places they will like the most based on the algorithms.

“We want to be way more than a social media site. We think Facebook has a real opportunity to impact society by controlling every aspect of individual lives,” Zuckerberg stated. He later confirmed, “We are not using any illegal monitoring methods.”


**This article is satirical in content.**


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Bradley Harrison is a senior at College of Charleston. After a long and painful stint as an engineering student at a university in Georgia which you probably have never heard of, he has decided to come back home to his native Charleston and study Spanish and Education. As a keen observer of pop culture, he loves art house cinema,, and the Ringer. FOH Army for life.

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