Mara Moment is a new column where I, Mara McCloy, share moments of my mind. This first piece is an intro to a series on self love – where to find it, how to keep it and how to never lose it.
Day 1: It Happens
You are falling. You are falling down into an endless pit. Your heart is dropping. Your mind is racing a mile a minute, wondering “where did I go wrong?” You are yelling. Crying. Lost.
You pause. You catch your breath. You wipe your tears off your puffy, rosy eyes. You ask “how am I going to get past this?” You strategize. “Today is only day one,” you realize. You write in your journal “Your feelings are valid.” You begin to write out what the game plan is.
Four days of misery is what you will allow yourself. Four days to stay in your bed. Four days budgeted for eating whatever makes you feel better. Four days to watch every single “Star Wars” film until you fall in love with Luke Skywalker – again. Four days of slamming doors and punching pillows. Four days to cry without stopping yourself. Four days to overthink until your mind is mush. Four days to lose control.
Day 5: Light Leaks Through
Time to take some steps. Today you call your best friend and receive support. Today you take a walk outside and read a book. Today you eat something other than ice cream, something nourishing. Today you cry once. Who knows – maybe you cry twice, but you are making a conscious effort to gain control.
Tomorrow you take another step. You slowly let yourself back into the world again. You see the sunlight and it makes you smile. You breathe the fresh air and feel blessed. You sit down to family dinner and take in the love. You cry again, feeling numb, but feeling like there is light as time continues to pass.
Two Weeks: The Letter
Two weeks have past. You feel different. Is it a good different? You do not know yet. You write him a letter. You apologize for your faults, but you also express what he did, what he did that made you have those long four days. You tell him you’re strong, stronger than he believed you were. You tell him you understand it now. You tell him you are better. You put it in his mailbox and you drive. You do not have an expectation for a response. You just leave it.
You leave it behind.
Three months: Present Day
You are alive. You are more alive than ever. You make good changes and you learn self love. You find strategies for confidence. You regain trust in yourself. You see what makes you amazing and protect those pieces. You find who you are without him and see how she is better off, for she knows herself now.
You do not look back, but instead love where you are going.